After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.
Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.
Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.
Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.
Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.
Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.
Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.
Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget
Dear hubby,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.. I've been a good woman to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk dress. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your games. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either, you are cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Wife
P.S.: Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my games so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk dress: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed/-
Your Ex-Husband,
Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S.: I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born as Carla(woman).........I hope that's not a problem.
How to resize images : The VSO free image resize software organizes your photos by changing their resolution or moving them within your hard drive. VSO Image resizer is the perfect tool for those who store their digital pictures and images on their PC and who want to resize, compress, convert, create copies, create thumbnails, import or organize photos.
With this free resize image software, you can create e-mail friendly versions of your images, load them faster, move them easily from folder to folder, change their format, edit large numbers of image files/batch image resize and thus save space on your hard drive. Using high resolution 1600x1200 for creating wallpaper or file-sharing you can save your memory. VSO Image Resizer can also change file names using a template and you can add your own watermark with transparency support.VSO Image resizer is integrated into the Windows explorer shell, right click on your pictures and start working on your pictures
Here Is A Funny SMS
Santa: Are Yaar Banta Agar Koi Admi Marr Raha Ho Too Uske Muh me Kya Dalna Chayeh...?Banta : Ambuja Cement Kyun Ke Is Cement Me JAAN He .
While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President.
The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle." Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.
He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That's a post turtle."
These are actual answers on a McDonald’s application submitted by a 17 year old kid someplace in Florida. They actually hired him too. I think this kid’s gonna go far…
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.SIGN HERE: Aries.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What'd You Think?
